In my last article, Love, Honour and Respect in Marriages, I received many profound comments both online and offline. Those comments were so deep that they enhanced my understanding of the article further than I had envisaged.
One of such comments inspired this article.
A lady has opined that despite the need for love, honour and respect in marriages, the singular most important thing for a sustainable marriage is communication and “communication.”
While I respect her opinion and perspective, I humbly disagree with her conclusion that communication is the most critical factor in keeping a marriage.
My immediate response to her was that communication is a tool in marriage and cannot stand on its own.
Why did I say so?
One of the primary reasons for my position is that communication can be positive or negative depending on the context and circumstances.
A marriage that is already sapped of love, honour and respect may communicate what may even scatter it further apart.
Some factors determine if communication will be effective. Some of these factors are:
What is communicated?
How it is communicated?
Who it is communicated to
Tone of communication?
Sometimes, the content and tone of communication may render the essence of the message ineffective.
Of course, we do know that communication can be both verbal and nonverbal.
One of the significant challenges of nonverbal communication is the possibility of its being misinterpreted.
Yet nonverbal communication is deployed mainly in marriages.
Take, for instance—though probably unresearched (not sure)—there is incontrovertible evidence that the other gender often deploy nonverbal communication, through the female anatomy, to offer irresistible apologies that readily “capture” the Adamic specie.
When love has gone sour, or a marriage has thrown honour and respect into the garbage bags, one wonders what communication can do to bring it back to life.
Yes, if both parties reflect on the journey and the positive aspects of past events, and are willing to reason with each other, then communication may help to rekindle the fire.
Also, suppose communication is open from the beginning of the marriage, with a desire to understand the other party before being understood. In that case, the marriage may not experience erosion, which often leads to resistance from unmanaged irritations.
Communication in marriages thrives when the atmosphere of the home is well anchored on love, honour and respect.
Another issue may even be the style of communication.
Let us imagine a well-known satirist who may be so accustomed to that style that they unconsciously use it when communicating with their spouse or family.
If things are normal, it may be gently corrected or offence not taken, based on the understanding that the other party is naturally a satirist.
During a recent family conversation, I commented, and my boys warned me that I was being sarcastic. They were right! If the atmosphere were not conducive, that would have generated bad blood, which may lead to a crisis.
The import of that experience is that if the atmosphere is right with dosages of love, honour and respect, a miscommunication is easily corrected with no party feeling offended.
The converse is the case; no matter how strong the communication might be, it may not affect the receiver whose love has been eroded by a series of unpalatable events.
Why do we talk about the love language of spouses in marriage?
Knowing the love language of our spouse (emphasis on LOVE) enables us to communicate effectively, ensuring clarity in understanding.
When it comes to marriages, love is central, but it also functions better when accompanied by honour and respect. These foster understanding, and when they function well, they make communication much easier.
We often make an exception for genuine love. When this is further strengthened by honour and respect, even in disagreement (which is inevitable), communication enables us to express our misgivings without going to ‘a civil war’.
Irreconcilable differences between couples often contribute to the breakdown of love, honour, and respect, which may lead to ‘miscommunication’ as the mind is already ‘closed’ to whatever the other is saying or trying to say.
There is a higher chance that a spouse who feels honoured and respected, without doubting the other spouse’s love, will be easier to communicate with. Sometimes, a once familiar voice can become an irritant when the ingredients for sustainability are missing.
We can communicate all we want, but if no love, honour, and respect remain, we will be like sounding cymbals that are making dissonant noise in our ears.
Your thoughts and views are welcome.
(The figure man who loves alphabets)
